UPDATE: So... it's finally officially confirmed. I have some kind of connective tissue/vascular disorder. They aren't sure whether the vascular disorder is causing positive results on the connective tissue disorder, or whether the connective tissue disorder is causing the vascular problems... but they're finally looking into it. Now if I just ignore that they've left me suffering for years when they should have run this one simple blood tests back in grade-school... I can at least be happy about being closer to some kind of answer... and never mind the fact I could have told them the results would come back positive... They are now sending me to a specialist to determine which exact disorder I have, though they say she might have to refer me to a more qualified specialist in another city... so there's that. Either way, it's a good solid confirmation that I do -in fact- have weak vessel walls... which explains the broken veins, the nose bleeds, the easy bruising -despite that I don't bleed much or for long, and some of the headaches & chest pains. This really complicated things for me, because anti-inflammatories and alcohol are the only two substances that have ever done anything to really help me, but they both thin your blood, and if I am getting minor aneurysms, then I shouldn't be having either, especially when I have a headache. ... it also means that the chest pains -the ones that aren't explained by my spine being out of alignment- might have been a sincere cause for concern all along, which they've been brushing off because my heart looks healthy on an ultrasound... and it also complicates the issue of the low B.P. and tachycardia. It could mean that forcing my blood pressure up artificially with salt could be dangerous, but also that I'm prone to dangerously low B.P. All in all -basically- it means they should have been taking everything more seriously all along and really haven't... and I'd be angry right now, but I'm just so damned tired. I'll be angry later, when it all sinks in and I've had time to think.
On that note, I'm not really answering messages. I'm not really here. I have some updates queued up for Tumblr. I'm heavily considering dropping offline completely for a week to a month -despite that it's my only real social contact- and taking a sort of meditative retreat to concentrate on improving my life and taking some time to myself to think. Gods know I have plenty to think about. It might not necessarily mean no computer, because I use my laptop to paint and take notes while reading, but our internet is crawling lately anyways, and if it gets to be too hard to break the habit of checking online while I'm working, I might just swear off the computer altogether for a month, and see what everything looks like from the other side of that. I'm not sure it will change much for me, considering the way I normally just sort of leave the computer open and walk away constantly, but I won't know till I try.
A quick update before I go back to sleeping. You may have noticed that my layout has been changing and inconsistent, this is -obviously enough- due to renovations to my profile. While browsing I notice we were able to use graphics on our profiles now and slowly ended up embarking on that journey without even really thinking about it. Now I'm left with some few more graphics I want to make to finish things up, but it's all looking pretty good. ... and I have been getting some reading done, so I'll probably update on that soon too.
B.P.: 101/64
Rate: 98 b.p.m
My sleeping schedule was messed up before that. Now I've ended up sleeping in 3-4 hour shifts for some number of nights, and am about to get back to that... But I have a health update. My general health has it's upsides and down sides, but I might be able to get a firm diagnosis put on one of the downsides. I've long suspected weak vessel walls (I have rosacea, spider veins, get occasional nose bleeds, some veings under my nails break open randomly etc...) but they are now testing me for a similar disorder, and arthritis type things and all that, and they may have found something because they actually called me, and set my appointment for only 2 weeks from the phone-call (which for my doctor is a new record). Additionally I currently have a broken blood vessel under my toe nail, and split open one of the veins in my wrist earlier doing groceries. It's horribly bruised (lots of internal blood spilling)... so -though that sucks and hurts- if it's still there by the 11th, it might help my doctor see the severity of the issue. The bright side is that this may explain a lot (including my startlingly -symptomatically- low blood pressure, and a lot of the headaches)... on the down side, that would mean that it's possible that the "stroke like" headaches I get might be very minor aneurysms instead of cluster headaches... and it might mean that I've been incredibly risky with myself up until now and should have been a lot more careful about a lot more things. Again, I'm torn between wanting answers, and not wanting to find out something horrible. It's also something they REALLY should have tested for before now, and I'm not sure what it means to have that and also the chiari-malformation. ... So there's that. If it does turn out to be serious... keep in mind I've had this all along -whatever it is- and I'm no more likely to die of it now than I was before, and my chances are better if I get a diagnosis and understand what's going on. Needless to say I've been a little headache-y, but it hasn't been too bad, considering my sleeps been so screwed up.
Anyway, I'm just going to continue this update now that it's not the middle of the night. I have been trying to sleep at better times, but this has been pushing me more towards general insomnia. I don't mind so much - mostly as I don't feel notably worse than usual- and I have been marginally more productive, I'm just -once again- trying to hold myself to some objective standard of a good sleep schedule.
To start, I've been finishing off some reading. I'm notorious for starting books and then -if I'm forced to put them down, or don't like them- not finishing them, sometimes for a long time. This results in me being in the middle of reading up to 10 books at one time, and sometimes never finishing them because I have to return them, or they get stolen or lost. I also haven't been reading as much in the past year or two just in general. I tend to go in bouts back and forth between reading and writing, and I've been writing more than reading as of late. This I do, in a large part, to keep the authors I am reading from influencing my writing too much. I still read more than I write in general, but I tend to separate the two. I only got through high-school -especially grade 9- by having my nose buried in a book constantly, it was always Piers Anthony, and recently I've started to wonder how influential that was to my writing style, so I'm going to add one of his books -possibly one I've already read- to my reading list. So far my list of books -that I'm in the middle of reading, or just finished- includes:
-The devils advocate (not at all like the movie) (condensed from reader's digest)
-Nefertiti
-Jungle girl (condensed from reader's digest)
-Epitaph for an enemy (condensed from reader's digest)
-Black widow (not related to marvel) (condensed from reader's digest)
-The mask of Loki (also not related to marvel)
-Pretty maids all in a row
-On Philosophy in China
-Sociology of religion
-The physics of super heroes
-The fault in our stars (I read the first 23 pages available online one evening)
4 of those books are on loan from friends of mine who are brothers, one of which is moving away -probably- the beginning of September, so I need to finish by then. Normally reading fast isn't a problem (I can read a hundreds of pages in a day, enough to finish smaller books), but for 2-3 of them they are more educational and I actually like to make notes about my own thoughts when reading things about human sciences. So I read Black widow entirely the other morning, finished off "the mask of Loki" and started finishing "the devil's advocate" until I had to leave for groceries. I only have 50 pages left on that one so I'll finish it today... but I was wondering how much people here would be interested in hearing my thoughts on this books, and why I did or did not like them.
I also noticed something reading these "condensed versions"... I enjoy shorter stories that really get to the point, a little more than stories that drag out too much. Certainly I enjoy long stories too, and I get the sense that "the devil's advocate" would have been better off if the beginning wasn't as condensed (I think it made the character setup phase more confusing and thus more boring and frustrating), but I've also been reading plenty of full length stories that fail to keep me interested and take forever to present anything interesting. I also enjoyed reading the new adventured of Sherlock more than most books. Even if I find the events kind of predictable, it's much less frustrating if the reveal of it is paragraphs later, rather than waiting two chapters to tell you what you already know like it's some revelation. Leaving a reader less time to think about something can sometimes be a good thing.
Due to this I've also realised something about my own writing. I might have an easier time completing more original work if I do aim to keep it to shorter stories. Even if they are chronicles that tend to reuse the same characters and end up linked into an overall plot or narrative, I would find it more interesting even to write if it were more episodic, and I think it might keep my writing more interesting to readers too. In light of that, and some other recent revelations, I've decided it's about time to write a good original short story and post it somewhere. Of course that may have to be AFF, or Tumblr... given that I tend to write things heavy on adult themes and smut... but I think it would be my best next move. I do want to maybe work on one or two fan fictions a bit more first, just to get them out of my system and get a bit more feedback, but then I think I'll move on. As much as I want to do a web comic, it's far easier for me to write stories, than it is to put myself through the process of drawing them out panel at a time, and while I've often thought it best to simply do a heavily illustrated novel, I think it best if I concentrate on the writing first.
In other news I have been somewhat concerned about the chipmunk in our backyard. He had taken easily enough to eating out of my hand, but then disappeared a little over a week ago. I thought maybe he had decided to be afraid of me after I stepped out to feed him while having been eating beef heart, or that maybe something had happened to him during the last storm. I was really kind of sad because I thought he might be dead or hate me, so -you can imagine- I was very relieved when I saw a chipmunk in our tree a few days ago. This chipmunk didn't want to come near me though, and was skinnier, so I thought maybe he just decided he didn't like me anymore, and was still kind of sad. Today though, when I was trying to get the chipmunk to stay put when I opened the door and came out, a second chipmunk ran up the stairs and over to me when I came out. I immediately recognized my Chippy, not just from his behaviour, but his markings and body shape, and I was so relieved he didn't hate me... but then I realized why the other, smaller, chippy was there, and why Chippy had disappeared for a week. Chippy went and got a lady-friend. Now there will be baby chippies. I'm so excited.
Also, my eggs are fine. I was worried because after I broke my foot I couldn't check on them until just recently, and I wasn't seeing birds small enough to be my eggs. I was worried they hadn't fledged properly, and we need them out of the attic to close it off and finish the roof (which we are doing now the moment I seal off a few screens in there), but I was finally able to get up there the other day, and now the nest is empty, and the young birds are coming to the deck to eat. So they're all okay... possibly just slightly rounder than they all should be, but only slightly. It's nice having trees and wild-life, even in the city, especially the kind that jumps into your hand or lap to eat and plays around your hands and licks your fingers. I imagine the birds will warm up to me further, and that Chippy's girlfriend will learn that I'm okay (for a human). I also figured out where they are living, and it doesn't seem to be quite where I thought. I thought they were living in the unfinished shed area, but it turns out they're probably just outside of it under an old tree stump. It's better because I don't have to worry about disturbing their home when I move the building supplies for the roof.
The plants are also doing better now that I gave them plant food. I might actually even water them all with the hose later. I imagine hose watering will become more necessary now that we're moving into the hotter months before fall and now that our rainy season is done with. I've been watering them a little with the water collected by the dehumidifier, but that's not a lot of water. We have potato plants, 2 kinds of onions, 2 gourd plants, and some other leafy things that are sprouting. I'm pretty sure they'll still have till late October to do some growing, before it gets too cold. We've had really hot late summers these past few years. I haven't had much of an issue with any of our rodents getting at the garden either. It's mostly onions and potatoes now, so they've left it pretty much alone. If they start nibbling too much, I'll get some blood-meal and cat hair, and spread that around. So by fall we should -if nothing else- have some red potatoes and onions to eat. Next year I'm starting everything early in little incubation pots, and moving it outside in early spring, so we'll have a lot more, and -of course- I can do a batch of peas after it cools off a little in September. Peas do much better in cool weather and only take a few weeks to grow and have a full enough yield. I missed the spring batch, but I'll have fall. I also planted 1 pumpkin and two melons, just in case they have time, though I'm doubtful about those two.
There are some wild flowers that are already in full bloom (which our little bumbles like)... and speaking of bumble bees... it turns out that what I thought was a wasp nest in one of the vent tunnels out of our attic, is probably a bumble bee nest. It makes more sense, because we have bumbles, but I don't really see wasps. This given, instead of removing it, I'm just going to seal the screen and keep them to the outside (at night when they are asleep of course). They are very docile, don't nest for long, and their presence here will help to deter other flying insects from making nests in our yard. The nest even has those funny bubble looking things sticking out of it, it being a round "clay pot" looking things itself, so I'm pretty sure of what it is now.
This fall I'm going to city hall -and some other local gardens- once all the flowers go to seed, and I'm taking all the seeds. They replace the flowers with something new each year anyways... and that way I can flood the front garden with mixed flowers early in the spring. My gardening method is mostly competitive seeding. I throw down enough of what I want to choke out things I don't want, and see what takes to the conditions best. Then I just pull out anything that I don't want, like weeds, and grass, and let other things take over (like wild flowers, shamrocks, wild mint, daisies, raspberry plants, clover, etc) Our lawn is only half grass now. I'm trying to get the clover and other low-laying plants to take over completely because they stay healthier and don't need to be babied, watered, or mowed like grass does. Also the landlord is allergic to cut grass, so it's nicer for him to never need to bother with mowing a grass lawn. Grass is actually a swamp plant and particularly ill-suited to the sandy soil we have here, or the harsh winters. All the things that manage to survive a Canadian winter and come back in the spring, those plants get to grow as they please, so after a few years, the yard will pretty much maintain itself. The vegetable garden will need some things re-seeded each spring, but I imagine some of the plants might survive the winter if I leave some growing (like the potatoes). The onions and flower bulbs, I'll dig most of those up and save some indoors for next spring, to ensure that some of the bulbs survive even if the winter is harsh. My 6 tamarind trees are still doing well... My herbs need more pots, and I think that's all the plant news I have.
My wrist is really bruised and I feel sleepy -on account of my sleep being so inconsistent- but I have food, and a bit of cash, and I'll be okay. I'm just trying to keep myself awake and alert until a proper bedtime. I'll probably seal off the screen in the attic tonight (when the bumbles are sleeping). They're outside, but there's openings in the screen and evidence they're planning to spread their nest into the house. They're super docile, and I'm not even touching the actual nest itself -just sealing around the screen behind it- so they shouldn't even really mind. I can also burn inscents or something under the hatch to make them drowsy from the smoke too, just in case. Besides that, they don't swarm, have really tiny colonies and all the male bees (aka all the drones) die if they sting. So I'll be safe enough, and I'll be careful. I've climbed past it multiple times already and haven't heard a buzz out of it. Plus they'd literally have to crawl around the edge of the screen before they could fly at me, so I have ample warning if I'm upsetting them. Other than that it'll basically be more trying to wake and sleep at the right times to get on a good schedule without giving myself a headache.
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I would like to take a moment here to thank everyone for favourit-ing my work. It crashes my internet to brows to all of your pages to thank you individually, but I would like to at least thank you here.
Though I love the fact that the world has so many different languages to say "I love you" in.... I can't understand all of them, and not everyone can speak perfect English, so if you want to make a request (or commission, etc...) of me, please consider finding someone to translate... It will likely get done faster for it.
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~Fate is an illusion for the weak of heart, there is only free will.~
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